20 May 2008

The Butter-Cutter On The Holy Land

I was leaning on the end of the virtual Chow Line reading a magazine when The Butter-Cutter returned from a head call, “Waddaya readin'?” he asked.

“An article on last week's 60th anniversary of Israel's independence and the Palestinians' uprooting from the Holy Land,” I said.

“Ya mean the 'Holy Land 60-Year Dance' featurin' the 'Yarmulke Double-Shuffle' 'n' the 'Rag-Head Hustle'!” he volunteered.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, “You're anti-Semitic,” I blurted out.

“What anti-Semitic? They're ALL Semites: Jews 'n' Arabs alike 'n' they don't think their shit stinks. But, it does stink; 'n', I calls 'em the way I smells 'em!” the Butter-Cutter said smugly. 

I shook my head while gritting my teeth and asked, “What do you mean by, 'the Holy Land 60-Year Dance'?”

“Ever since the U. N. voted in '47 ta split Palestine inta two parts--Israel 'n' an independent Arab state--them guys have been each dancin' ta the tune of, 'This land is my land. This land is NOT your land,' " The Butter-Cutter answered.

“You don't understand. The Israelis have a God-given Biblical right to that land which goes back to Isaac the son of Abraham,” I informed him.

“Like so much shit ya come up with, ya got that ONLY half-right! Yer fergettin' that the Palestinians also claim a God-given Biblical right ta the same place from the other son o' Abraham--Ishmael,” he countered.

“No! No! Ishmael was the illegitimate son of Abraham. Isaac was conceived by Abraham's lawful wife, Sarah, and is the legitimate heir to the land. These rights are passed by the mother to son not by the father,” I corrected The Butter-Cutter.

“Bull shit! Yer puttin' a fifth ace inta the Yarmulke Double-Shuffle. That passin' from the mother stuff is the religion, Judaism, not the right ta the land. On top o' that, a lot o' modern-day rabbis don't practice that anymore anyhow; meanin', a gentile can become a Jew if he wants ta,” he said.

“You're not trying to tell me, then, that the progenitor of the Arabs, the illegitimate son of Abraham--Ishmael--, is the source of the Palestinians' right to the land of Israel/Palestine?” I asked.

“I ain't sayin' nothin' like that: it's part o' the Rag-Head Hustle. The Arabs SAY that Ishmael was the first-born son o' Abraham 'n' that makes HIM 'n' THEM the rightful heirs ta the land,” he answered.

“OH, wait a minute! I see where you're leading me. Both parties claim an equal God-given right to the same land; so, the solution to the 'Holy Land 60-Year Dance,' as you call it, is for God to re-appear and clarify what he meant in His promises to Abraham.” 

“Hell, NO! God don't gotta do nothin'. It's all them Semites that gotta do it--READ THE GOOD BOOK! Remember, it was the ancient Hebrews who wrote The Book 'n' they didn't screw it up. It's the ass holes that came after who've screwed it up,” he said.

“This is bizarre! I'm standing here listening to The Butter-Cutter claim an understanding of the Bible that solves the Holy Land's problems; an understanding that has eluded scholars from around the world for decades if not longer. I have really lost my mind,” I thought aloud.

“So, now ya wanna diss me. Well, FORMER intelligence officer, I'll tell ya somethin' else! The Book says that God promised the land ta the descendants--PLURAL--o' Abraham 'n' The Book also calls BOTH Ishmael 'n' Isaac sons o' Abraham; the last time I checked, SONS are also descendants!” The Butter-Cutter lambasted me.

“OK!” I shouted out. “Where are you going with this?” I then asked in frustration.

“There YOU go, again. ME? I'm not goin' anywhere: The Book's goin' there. When a father gives somethin' ta two sons, he means fer them ta SHARE IT 'n' not fer one ta keep it fer himself. So, The Book solution fer this 'Holy Land 60-Year Dance' is fer the Israelis 'n' Palestinians ta change their tunes 'n' dance together ta, 'This land is OUR land.' "

Semper Sharing,

Anthony F. Milavic

Major USMC (Ret.)