22 April 2008

The Butter-Cutter On DoD Spear-Chuckers

Before I could utter a syllable, The Butter-Cutter blurted out, “Good ta see ya. Just the other day, I learned somethin' 'bout the Spear-Chuckers that ya should know.”

“Spear-Chuckers? Oh, I think I remember,” I reacted with a note of confusion.

“OK! I'll pump up yer memory. All the guys in Iraq, Afghanistan, 'n' in other 'hot spots' are called 'The Pointy-End-Of-The-Spear.' Well, if that's true, there's gotta be a whole spear here, RIGHT?” he asked.

“Well, . . . I guess you could say that.”

“Good! We're on the same frequency. Fer them spears ta get ta them 'hot spots,' somebody's gotta chuck 'em out there; them spears don't get ta them spots on their own, do they? 

I felt as though the Butter-Cutter was leading me down the primrose path of intellectual seduction. But, I never the less answered, “Yeah, sure.”

“Hello! THE SPEAR-CHUCKERS CHUCKED 'EM! 'n', they chucked them spears outta the Pentagon where ya got the Secretary o' Defense Spear-Chucker, the Chairman o' Joint Spear-Chuckers, the Chief o' Naval Spear-Chucker, etc.”

I stared at him in disbelief, but decided to avoid an argument and said, “You appear to include both civilian and military personnel in the category of Spear-Chuckers?”

“O' course! O' course! There's a bunch o' civilian Spear-Chuckers there. Ain't the Secretary o' Defensive Spear-Chucker a civilian 'n' ain't he in charge there?” he asked with conviction. " 'n' don't forget the Secretary o' Navy Spear-Chucker, the Secretary o' Air Force Spear-Chucker. . . on 'n' on 'n' they're ALL civilians!"

I just stared at the Butter-Cutter without answering and he went on.

“I hope ya now understand what a Spear-Chucker is cuz I got some new shit 'bout 'em. My uncle told me a story from an old Spear-Holder who . . .”

“Wait a minute!” I interrupted. “You explained what a Spear-Chucker is, what or who is a 'Spear-Holder?' ”

“Spear-Holders are them guys who go around the Pentagon wearing pretty little gold ropes with tiny whistles at the end [Aiguillettes] over their left shoulder while they stroke anyone senior ta their Spear-Chucker 'n' stick up their nose at anyone junior ta their Spear-Chucker 'n' . . .”

“No! No! Those are aide-de-camps, popularly called, 'Horse Holders,'” I said in correcting the Butter-Cutter.

“When was the last time ya were in the Pentagon? How many horses did ya see in the parking lot? None! Them guys are Spear-Holders 'n' they're so good the Washington Opera calls 'em ta be opera Spear-Holders. But, most  refuse cuz they can't wear their little gold ropes on the opera uniforms. That might be why they take so much grief over their name.”

"They take grief over their name; what do you mean?" I asked The Butter-Cutter.

"They put, 'SH For . . . ' after their names. They think this makes 'em important. What they don't know is that people say, 'SH means Suck His Ass'. Ya know, if they had a better head on their shoulders they wouldda figgered that out before usin' it."

"Wait . . wait . . . wait a minute," I said. "SH doesn't represent Suck His Ass! You need an 'A' after the 'SH' to get Suck His Ass."

"Man, there ya go again, thinking' like an officer-type. I DIDN'T GIVE 'EM THAT NAME, THE PEOPLE DID!"

"OK! What people?"

"Oh my achin' ass, do I look like the FBI er the CIA? How the F*** do I know? THE PEOPLE, MAN, THE PEOPLE. Now, if ya can keep yer dumb questions ta yerself, I'll get back ta that story I was told: Seems, alotta Spear-Chuckers in the Pentagon get really pissed-off there. They came up through the ranks always thinkin' they oughta be in charge o' more troops. Now, stuck in an office with only a secretary 'n' a coffee pot, they don't got alotta guys ta order around. So, they don't get ta blow off steam 'n' stroke their egos. Heh, getting' together fer group spear-chucks ain't very satisfyin'. So they made this Spear-Chuckers' Ego Reinforcing Center in the Pentagon.”

"Why am I listening to this?" I thought. 

The Butter-Cutter went on, “Its there fer any Spear-Chucker when he's got a hard on er the idea hits him. It's a room with a humongous round oak table in the center. Surroundin' the table 'n' back a little are 32 dummies dressed in all the uniforms o' the four Services. They're all facing inboard, standin' at attention 'n' renderin' a hand salute. On the table are Commandfeedback Audio Response Modules: Affirmative (CARMAs).* These are heads o' 20 look-like lieutenants, captains, majors, 'n' lieutenant colonels from the four services--navy ranks are there too. 

“At any place around the table, the pissed-off Spear-Chucker takes his most commanding upright position 'n' does an ego reinforcin' session like this (Moving around the table during the session is encouraged.): After sayin' aloud, sayin' ta their self, er just thinkin' 'bout an order, he activates the CARMA of his choice by hittin' either of its two action points with a clenched fist--the top o' the CARMA's head er the tip o' the CARMA's nose. When activated, the CARMA shouts out: 'YES SIR!' or 'AYE, AYE, SIR!' or 'A VOS ORDRES MON SPEAR-CHUCKER!' Each CARMA's got all three responses 'n' shouts out at random on activation. The volume o' the CARMA's response depends on the tightness o' the fist 'n' how fast it's goin' when it smacks that mother. O' course, two fists can be used ta activate more than one CARMA at a time, er even activate all the CARMAs in rapid fire. The 20 CARMAs, three cyclin' responses, 'n' two CARMA activation points give the Spear-Chucker a bunch o' good shit ta make him feel better. In fact, some get so worked-up, they pass out 'n' gotta be revived by the corpsman on duty there."


“Ya can figure, a wild Spear-Chucker could damage a CARMA 'n' has. So, there are Spear-Chucker Rêveurs En Waiting (SCREWs)--fast-mover colonels--who are permitted in the Spear-Chuckers' Ego Reinforcin' Center. But, they gotta stay quiet sittin' on the floor outside the ring o' dummies until signaled. When a Spear-Chucker signals by lookin' their way, it's not an invitation fer the SCREWs to start brayin' things like: “Me! Me! Me! Sir!” er “Here I am! Here I am, Sir!” er “Pick me! Pick me, Sir!” etc. Only the SCREW who is first ta assume the position of attention with a hand salute gets ta enter the ring 'n' fill-in fer a damaged CARMA.”

“Wait a minute!” I shouted. “You described the CARMAs as representing only military officers. Are you saying that civilian Spear-Chuckers only beat on military officer CARMAs?” I interjected.

“O' COURSE! Civilian Spear-Chuckers are in the Pentagon ta lord over the military not each other! So, they get ego reinforcin' sessions with the military CARMAs. Between you, me and the fence post, I've heard that a few o' 'em pin stars on their suit-coats and pretend that they're real officers durin' the session. One of 'em used ta wear a six-star pin he had made ta-order; for whatever reason, he was replaced a year er so ago." 

Before I could ask the Butter-Cutter another question, a bunch of chowhounds came into the virtual Mess Hall diverting his attention; so, I decided to leave. While walking away, the more I thought about what he had said, the more I thought there was more to this story than just, "Spear-Chuckers chuck spears and SCREW CARMAs!" Oh, well, I guess I'll have to wait for another time to ask him.

Semper . . . En Waiting,

Anthony F. Milavic

Major USMC (Ret.)

*The author acquired the basic CARMA idea 10 or more years ago from an article by someone whose name has slipped from memory.