01 October 2015

The Butter-Cutter,"Finally, Grunts gonna git some!"

Entering the Virtual Mess Hall, I was struck by the pervasive levity among the Marines there. They were giving each other High-Fives, fist bumps, and back-slaps as they laughed and cheered. It seemed as though they all had just won the Mega Million Lottery. 

"Finally, Grunts gonna git some!" shouted The Butter-Cutter as I approached the Chow Line. This was met by a resounding "OORAH!" by the other Marines there.

"Get, what?" I asked.

"Pussy, man, PUSSY! The SECNAV's takin' care o' the troops!" he shouted back. (1)

"Wh . . . a . . . t are you talking about?" I stammered in asking The Butter-Cutter.

"Heh, the man said he ain't gonna ask fer exceptions fer women in the infantry. That means Grunts gonna git the same good shit them Swabbies been gittin' aboard their "Love Boats"--PUSSY! PUSSY! PUSSY! OORAH!" he bellowed. 

Taken aback by the crude response, I retorted, "You think that giving Servicewomen equal opportunity in the Armed Forces is all about servicing the sexual drives of Servicemen?" 

"Maan, nobody gonna need ta drive anywhere fer sexuals! Didn't ya hear: The SECNAV wants ta send Foxes ta the Fox Holes! GOODBYE 'Mother-Palm-'N'-Her-Five-Daughters' 'n' HELLO 'FOX-HOLE FOXES'! OORAH! . . . FINALLY, GRUNTS GONNA GIT SOME!" The Butter-Cutter shouted as he slapped the steam table in obvious joy. Others in the Virtual Mess Hall heard him and joined in with their own, "OORAH's!"

In an attempt to bring some level of sensibility to this conversation, I tried asking, "What makes you think that these women coming into the infantry are going to accommodate your sexual passions?"

"You ARE a former intelligence officer! Just ta get outta deployments, them 'Love Boat Foxes' been leavin' them boats in herds by gettin' pregnant. Now, you tellin' me they gettin' pregnant by eatin' that Navy chow? Yeah, sure! NO MAN, that's what Shipmates are for--ta MATE with 'em 'n' get 'em pregnant so they can get outta the deployment." (2)

"Oh, please," I lamented to The Butter-Cutter as I almost commented on his explanation of Shipmate, but instead, I opted for, "Just because some female sailors are getting pregnant to shorten a deployment cruise is no reason to believe female Marines in the infantry will pursue a similar path."

"Foxes is Foxes is Foxes. It don't matter if they wearin' a Navy anchor or a Marine EGA, they gonna SCREW! If them "Love-Boat Foxes" can't hack livin' aboard them boats with hot showers, three hots 'n' a flop with clean linen, waddaya think the Fox-Hole Foxes gonna do livin' with no showers, cold MREs, 'n' a flop in a hole in the ground? Well, Officer-Type, they gonna say, 'Heh, Fox-Hole Buddy hump me outta here!'"

I think I got The Butter-Cutter on this one, "Balderdash, female Marines have served on deployment tours in Marine Female Engagement Teams for years without wholesale pregnancies." No sooner had I finished speaking, I realized that I had no idea what the pregnancy rate was for those Teams.

The Butter-Cutter looked down at the steam-table between us and slowly shook his head from side-to-side. He then looked up and while glaring at me said, "Are you shiittin' me? Them's are all-Fox units! Foxes humpin' Foxes don't make pregnant Foxes. Ya see, Officer-Type, it takes a stiff dick ta make one o' them pregnant 'n' the Fox-Hole Foxes are gonna git it--a Fox-Hole Fox 'n' a 'stiff-dick' Fox-Hole Buddy in the same hole makes fer a whole lotta humpin'! 'n' that natural humpin', Officer-Type, makes Foxes pregnant!"

"The way you describe the results of the Secretary of the Navy's decision to not recommend excluding females from Marine combat arms units suggests that he is not aware of this pregnancy issue; in other words, he is stupid."

"HELL NO! This dude is cool. Didn't he just come out 'n' extend maternity leave for sailors 'n' Marines from six ta 18 weeks. Now, a pregnant Fox-Hole Fox gets nine months of limited/no-duty when pregnant then four-and-a-half months more a doin' nothin' leave: That's up ta 13 1/2 months away from her unit--SPOT ON!" (3)

"I'm sorry. I just don't understand how this is "spot on" for Marine combat units--losing members for 13 1/2 months."

"The SECNAV knows that the Navy has THOUSANDS o' "Love Boat Foxes" at Navy Incubators. But, he got the White House Messiah on his ass who wants diversity in the Corps. He also knows that replacing a Dude with a Fox in a combat unit is a combat efficiency minus not a plus. So, what does he do: He puts Foxes in Combat Arms knowing they're gonna get pregnant 'n' be shipped out to newly established Marine Corps Incubator Units; 'n', He triples the maternity leave keeping them away from their units even longer! RESULT: The Messiah gets his diversity; Finally, Grunts git some; The unit gets rid o' the Fox-Hole Fox fer over a year; 'n', The Fox gits a Huggy Bear. BRILLIANT!"  (2)

BRILLIANT? Sorrowfully, I left The Butter-Cutter unconvinced.

Semper Combat Efficiency--All-Men Combat Units,

Anthony F Milavic
Major USMC (Ret)