23 December 2008

The Butter-Cutter On Pirates

As I approached the virtual Chow Line, I said to The Butter-Cutter, “Last week, CNN reported that a 20 million dollar ransom could be paid to pirates holding the cargo ship full of Russian tanks and weapons off of the coast of Somalia. The ship, named “Faina,” has been held by them since 25 September.” (1)

“ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME? They're gonna pay off them Motherf***in' pirates? I heard there's been a U.S. Navy ship there watchin' 'em; why don't the Navy do somethin' like blow 'em away?” 

“Well, it is a foreign civilian ship and its owners have been negotiating with the pirates for weeks. I suppose the U.S. Navy hasn't been given the authority . . .”

In cutting me off, The Butter-Cutter blurted out, “AUTHORITY? Did the F***IN' pirates have the 'AUTHORITY' ta rip-off the ship? YEAH! Their own F***IN' AUTHORITY bein' pirates! Like, THEY do whatever THEY wanna do 'n' WE wait on the AUTHORITIES! Who the f*** are the winners 'n' losers here?”

“Now, hold on!” I cautioned The Butter-Cutter. “Last week, the U.N. Security Council authorized countries to pursue these pirates on land and in the air. I suppose we will soon be seeing actions taken against the pirates.” (2)

“Ya suppose, huh? Them pirates have had that ship fer goin' on three months 'n' the best we could do is watch it! Where are all them Navy Seals, Marine Reconners, 'n' other Super-Soldier Special Operations Forces I've heard so much about. Ain't these guys supposed ta do this kinda shit er is that all Hollywood make believe?”

“If you are suggesting we send people to board that ship to release the hostages, you fail to appreciate the difficulties of such a mission,“ I informed The Butter-Cutter.

“MY ACHIN' ASS!” he barked out. “Them dumb-shit pirates didn't think it was so DIFFICULT. They drove up in piss-ass outboard-motor boats, climbed the sides o' that hummer, 'n' then captured all them guys AND their freakin' ship! Ya tellin' me our SPECIAL OPERATIONS FORCES, can't do what them NON-SPECIAL maggot pirates did? Er, ain't this SPECIAL enough fer 'em?” The Butter-Cutter persisted in asking.

“As I said, this would be an extremely difficult operation. I am sure, the planners are very concerned about the safety of . . ." 

“Them Pentagon Spear-Chuckers are concerned about the troops 'safety?' Maan, how many casualties did them pirates take when they grabbed that ship? They didn't lose diddly-squat! I tell ya what! Ever since Christ was a corporal, them Marine Reconners been runnin' around wearin' patches with a Skull 'n' Crossbones on 'em-that pirate symbol they call, 'Jolly Rogers!' Now they can show us they're as bad as their pirate patch! Send THEM!” he then broke out in laughter. “That's it! What they oughtta do is put a flag pole in one o' them rubber boats they got with a Scull 'n' Crossbones flag flyin' from it. That way the pirates will think they're pirates 'n' let em' on board 'n' then they can capture them scum bags without firin' a shot! That oughtta make the Spear-Chuckers happy!” The Butter-Cutter laughed even louder.

“You are being ridiculous. Currently, the pirates are holding at least 16 ships for ransom, including a Saudi super-tanker full of oil. Are you suggesting that we do this for each of those ships?” I asked.

“Heh, man, I free one ship atta time. Now . . . on thinkin' about it, I think this oughtta be one o' them Joint Operations. Them Marine Reconners will be the diversion. As they got the attention o' them pirates with their Jolly Rogers flag, we'll hit 'em with an air-sea assault: them Super Delta Force Army-types will do one o' them halo parachute jumps onta the ship's deck while them Super Navy Seals swim up ta the opposite side o' the ship from the Reconners 'n' come over side. Then all them Special Operations Forces-types can special operate on them pirates--like, keelhaul 'em er make em walk the plank!” The Butter-Cutter continued to laugh.

“ 'Keelhaul?' 'Walk the plank?' You continue to joke about a very serious matter!” I hastened to correct The butter-Cutter.

“BULL SHIT! I ain't jokin'! What ya don't understand is, ya gotta talk the pirates' language. That's the kinda shit them pirates do! Don't ya go ta the movies?” The Butter-Cutter laughed even more.

I was tiring of the The Butter-Cutter's game of repartee; so, I made one last attempt at seriousness, “Well, we have naval vessels from Russia, China, Iran, the USA, the UK, etc. committed to the area. I'm sure they will control this situation without resorting to such bizarre operations as you suggest,” I answered.

“Ya can diss me all ya want. But them freakin' pirates have attacked over a 100 ships earnin' themselves 120 million dollars this year while all them countries' ships watch. Until them watchin' pussies stop watchin' 'n' start doin', them Jolly Rogers pirates are gonna keep laughin' their Jollies off as they go ta the bank!” (3)

Semper Doin',

Anthony F. Milavic

Major USMC (Ret.)

(1) http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/12/18/somalia.pirate/index.html

(2) http://www.marinecorpstimes.com/news/2008/12/navy_gortney_pirates_121908w/

(3) http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article5368675.ece 

 Waddaya think?