Recently, a retired Navy captain and a retired Navy master chief petty officer told me that ship-board “hot scoop” was regularly attributed to the “Starboard” Butter Cutter; but, in their memory, never to the “Port” Butter Cutter. This exception prompted me to think: “Why do sailors choose the 'Starboard' Butter Cutter over the 'Port' Butter Cutter?” In an attempt to answer that question, I visited a virtual naval vessel.

“Good afternoon,” I said on meeting the Port Butter Cutter. 

“What's good about it?” he asked.

“I'm here to listen to you,” I answered quickly.

"Why?" he came back. “Nobody ever listens ta me.”

“Well, I think it is about time somebody did; and, I'm that somebody. What do you think of the candidates in this presidential election?”

“NOTHIRDTERMFORBUSH!” he shot back.

“What? Excuse me. What did you say?”

“NOTHIRDTERMFORBUSH!” the Port Butter Cutter blurted even louder the second time.

After shaking my head, I said, “Hold on! I don't understand what you are saying. Would you please speak slower?”

“Yer like everybody else. Ya don't listen ta me. I'm saying: NO . . . THIRD . . . TERM . . . FOR . . . BUSH!” he repeated with emphasis.

“President Bush is not running for a third term. The candidates are Senators McCain and Obama.”

“McCain's the same as Bush! NOTHIRDTERMFORBUSH!” he said in reverting back to the rapid-fire response.

I tried to bring sobriety to the conversation, “Oh, come on. Senator McCain is a different man then . . .”

The Port Butter Cutter interjected, “DON'T TELL ME THAT! HE'S A REPUBLICAN 'N' CONTROLLED BY THAT PARTY JUST LIKE BUSH!"

I was beginning to think that I was wasting my time here. But, I tried once more, “Senator McCain is known as a maverick in his party. Or, as somebody who does not follow the . . .” 

“Maverick? He's supported the Iraq War ever since it started thinkin' we could win it! NOTHIRDTERMFORBUSH!”

“ENOUGH!” I shouted at the Port Butter Cutter. “If you want to vote FOR Senator Obama, VOTE FOR HIM!”

“I'm not gonna vote FOR Obama,” he answered. “Yer still not listenin' ta me! I would never disrespect our Iraq vets 'n' flag. That guy refused ta visit those wounded vets in Germany 'n' wouldn't wear a flag pin until he figured he could get more votes by puttin' one on. HELL NO! I'd never vote FOR Obama!”

I was confused and asked, “Are you going to vote for a third party candidate, such as, Ralph Nader?”

“NO! That won't get rid o' Bush. NOTHIRDTERMFORBUSH! WHY . . . DON'T . . . YA . . . LISTEN . . . TA . . . ME?”

With that, I was really confused. “But, you have ONLY so many choices. You must vote FOR Obama, or FOR McCain, or FOR Nader. As far as I know, those are the only ones running for president,” I attempted to explain to the Port Butter Cutter. “Therefore, if you are going to vote, you must vote FOR one of them,” I explained.

“Well, yer wrong. I'm gonna vote AGAINST Bush!” he barked back.

“HOW?” I asked. “There are only those options for voting.”

“I'll vote AGAINST Bush by checkin' off Obama,” the Port Butter Cutter corrected me.

“What! That's not a vote AGAINST Bush! That's a vote FOR Obama!” I said with incredulity. “Our system of voting is a POSITIVE system; that is to say, the people vote FOR a candidate. There is NO option on the ballot or voting machine for a NEGATIVE vote,” I tried to explain.

“Like, HELL! I'll vote against Bush by pickin' Obama's name. What's wrong with ya? Haven't ya listened ta them media people talk about the negative Bush vote?”

“That's STUPID! ANY vote placed in Obama's column will be counted as a vote FOR Obama, and whoever gets the most votes will win THE POPULAR . . .”

“DON'T CALL ME STUPID! I read all the time; and, I know: ALL THEM BUMPER STICKERS CAN'T BE WRONG!NOTHIRDTERMFORBUSH!” the Port Butter Cutter spewed out once again.

In listening to “bumper stickers” echo in my ears, it dawned on me why sailors choose the “Starboard” Butter Cutter over the “Port” Butter Cutter: to sailors, starboard means “RIGHT” and port means “LEFT.” 

Semper The “Right” Choice,

Anthony F. Milavic

Major USMC (Ret.)