YOU ARE IN A "VERBAL SHRAPNEL" RICH DOMAIN
25 October 2013
THE BUTTER-CUTTER ON ANTI-MASTURBATION REGULATIONS
On entering the Virtual Mess Hall, I felt a tension that did not exist there on previous trips. On approaching the steam table, The Butter-Cutter was putting pats of butter into the bowl of ice before him, “What the f*** ya starin’ at?” he barked when looking up at me.
“Whoa, there! That was uncalled for!” I answered.
“Yeah! Yeah! Maybe so. But, when ya can’t get laid ‘n’ ya can’t Wack-Off, ya get up-tight!” he moaned.
“You can’t . . . WHAT?”
“Man, when the Dudes went awhile without gettin’ any, they’d Wack-Off! Now, if ya do it, it’s Office Hours er worse!” The Butter Cutter explained.
“I read there was a regulation against masturbation because of the danger of contracting a disease . . .”
He cut me off saying, “That was all BULLSHIT! There weren’t no disease shit! Disease from what? Dirty hands? They think we’re all stupid ‘n’ believe that shit!”
“Well, then, what brought about this restriction? Is there a conflict with some new monastic Corps value?” I asked.
“Hell no. It’s all about that Sexual Harassment shit. Them Sexual Harassment Political Officers heard that in dry times we were gettin’ a little “Mother Palm ‘n’ her five daughters.” So they pushed a reg through ta stop all the Dudes from takin’ advantage o’ them Females!”
“Huh? Are you saying that the euphemism for one’s hand in masturbation—Mother Palm and her five daughters--has been equated with real women?” I asked incredulously.
“Heh, them officer-types said it’s all sexual harassment. But that ain’t the worse part. The Amos ‘n’ Andy Comedy Team came up with “Masters’-Baits.” The Butter-Cutter explained.
I paused a moment not really understanding what this solution was. So I asked, “What do you mean by, ‘They came up with ‘masturbates’?’”
“Oh . . . Man! MASTERS’-BAITS! Gloves ta cover-up Mother Palm ‘n’ her daughters! That way ya ain’t takin’ advantage o’ all them Females!”
“Masturbate gloves?” I mumbled.
“No, Man! Masters’-Baits gloves with the picture of Amos’s face on one ‘n’ Andy’s face on the other: With one on each hand, ya do what’s called a ‘Face Job Switcheroo’!”
“STOP IT!” I shouted. “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!”
“Ya bet yer ass it’s ridiculous! We’re HETERO MEN: When our peckers see them Dudes’ faces, it’s no way José! It only works fer the ‘Fs’--Fags ‘n’ Females!
“No! No! For any way, shape, form or . . . “ Why am I letting him drag me into this absurd conversation. “And the troops are using these . . . things?” I blurted out.
“Well . . . the Fags did bitch, sayin’ they preferred Brown Eye ta Face. So the ever-bowin’ Amos ‘n’ Andy Team came up with Masters’-Baits with a Brown Eye on the glove palm ‘n’ four stars on the fingers of one ‘n’ Sergeant Major chevrons surroundin’ the Brown Eye on the other.”
This has got to be some malcontent initiated thing to defame the CMC and his Sergeant Major, I thought. “OK, what is the real scoop? Who came up with these . . . gloves?”
“No Shit, Man! After the Scout-Sniper shit sandwich, Amos and Andy decided to show the troops how sensitive they were; so, they came up with these Masters’-Baits. It’s all about wantin’ to be there in our time o’ need. But the only ones they made happy were the, ‘Fs’!”
“AAAAAGGGGHH,” I exclaimed as I turned and left the Virtual Chow Line. On exiting the Virtual Mess Hall, The Butter-Cutter’s words echoed in my ears: “But the only ones they made happy were the ‘Fs’.” This whole exercise from anti-masturbation regulations to Masters’-Baits rates a capital “F,” as in the words of The Butter-Cutter, “Have ya lost yer FREAKIN' mind!”
Semper Capital “F,”
Anthony F. Milavic
Major USMC (Ret.)
Post "Thinks" To: MAJUSMCRET@AOL.COM
I think the Corps is truly "looking after its own" with these new anti-masturbation regulations. They may be a good thing.
The only "disease" I contracted during several long deployments was "lackanooki," but I can't see as well as I used to.
When will mandatory castration be implemented along will girly hats for all Marines....is all part of gaying-up of the Corps' heterosexuals
You turned this topic around quickly. This is the first Butter-Cutter commentary published since I have
been on distribution for your products. well done!
Thanks, and Semper Fi
Point made as always.
Why are we being subjected to this insanity? In Korea, it's now punishable under the UCMJ to visit an establishment that provides Female companionship of any kind, for any reason. Using some very obtuse "sexual Harassment" rationales. Yet, we are told that Homosexual activity is basically 'protected' activity because it is now APPROVED by Her Majesty the Commandant and her SgtMaj, whom we must now refer to as: He/She/It to remain our politically correct stance and not confuse our already totally confused brother's/sister's/it's, who have no "gender identity" at all. Really!!? Really!!!??? WTF! I think her Majesty the Commandantess needs to resign, have his/her/its gender properly reassigned or realigned and then return to us more than a touch of sanity. Otherwise STFU Ms. Commandant!
In the world inhabited by those whose course is steered by political correctness. this will go down their throats rather slickly as in sticky burrs. While I might be inclined to think of myself as a gentleman, confirmed by an act of Congress, I am enough of a mud Marine to not give a good shit what the PC crowd, including those running interference for the queer herd, thinks or feels about this run of the Butter-Cutter. While I have not yet had the opportunity to talk about repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" with active duty Marines in order to secure their opinions and attitudes, one can readily surmise what their innermost feelings are. And the real tragedy is, they can not even joke about it among themselves without fear of being brought up on charges.
Along that vein of thought, when I was returning home on 9 October from El Paso Airport, there was a large group of Soldiers going home on leave, freshly returned from Afghanistan. Several of them sat down near me, as we waited to board our flight, and I used the opportunity to ask them how they felt about the Rules of Engagement. All three of them immediately looked angry, and one Soldier grimly stated that he was always in fear of being court marshaled whenever he opened fire on hostiles. And that was all he said. The other two just nodded in the affirmative. At this point I did not want to agitate them any further so asked no more questions, after all, they were anxious to get home on leave, and I felt bad about causing them any remembrances of unpleasantness.
As to the appropriateness of the Butter-Cutter vignette, there are plenty of warnings of the shock and awe of the Butter-Cutter's salty talk, so no one should take offense. I laughed out loud as I was reading it.
Semper Fidelis so someone who actually understands the term,
I don't know if it is good or not: The butter cutter making a serious issue laughable.
Where is the media coverage on this; not even the Marine Corps Times has reported this absurdity of Marine leadership . . . Thank You Butter Cutter!
0302 Gratefully Retired