YOU ARE IN A "VERBAL SHRAPNEL" RICH DOMAIN
2 September 2008
The Butter-Cutter On “Camel Toes”
I was leaning against the steam table drinking a cup of coffee with no specific topic in mind for The Butter-Cutter when I heard one of the Marines in the virtual Mess Hall use the term “Camel Toes.” So, I asked The Butter-Cutter, “What is that all about? 'Camel Toes?' “ (1)
“Camel Toes?” he repeated. “Oh, that's just a name we had back in Iraq 'n' Afghanistan fer a pussy?” he explained.
“I don't understand the relationship. What is the similarity between that part of a woman's anatomy and a camel's toes?” I persisted.
“Man, it's when a woman wears real tight pants, like spandex, her pussy shows through lookin' like a camel's toes. Over there, we didn't have alotta opportunities fer our 'needs,' so the troops named that picture, 'Camel Toes' ta have somethin' ta talk about. That's all,” he said. *
“Well, why not? Every generation comes up with their own words,” I said with strained curiosity.
“Ya wanna hear a story about it?” The Butter-Cutter asked.
“Yes. Please,” I answered.
“This is no shit! On this FOB in Afghanistan, there weren't alotta women 'n' the powers ta be worked real hard ta keep porn away from us. So, without good shit ta look at, life with Mother Palm 'n' her five daughters got old real fast. Then, one day, this guy got one o' them annatypically-correct blow-up dolls from one o' his buddies back home.” (2)
“No!” I interjected. The term is 'anatomically-correct' blow-up doll; that is to say, a doll that has all the female parts.”
“Oh, horseshit, I like 'annatypically' better; besides, we called her 'Anna' fer short. Now, if yer through screwin' with my words, I'll get on with the story. The first night this guy had her 'n' before they got together, his buddy kidnapped her. He took Anna outside the FOB perimeter 'n' jumped on her! Then, all hell broke loose! Ya see, he laid Anna down on a nest o' scorpions. So, when he put the meat ta her, he pressed Anna down on them scorpions 'n' they got all pissed-off. A bunch o' them stuck their stingers inta Anna goin' right through ta his cock 'n' balls. That mother f***er came up offa the deck like he was shot from a gun screamin' ta high heaven with Anna pinned ta his his cock 'n' balls. Man, they were face-ta-face with him wavin' his arms around 'n' makin' her arms ta wave around too: They looked like a half-naked man 'n' a full-naked woman beatin' the shit outta each other. Now, Anna stayed stuck ta his cock 'n' balls in an upright position as they ran 'n' stumbled back through the lines. It was the weirdest freakin' thing ya ever did see. When they got inside the perimeter, they fell down 'n' rolled around like they were f***in' 'n' fightin'. After a few rolls, Anna finally broke free. Poor ole Anna looked horrible layin' there exhausted, totally outta breath because o' all them scorpions stuck in her!”
'What! You lament over a blow-up doll; what about the Marine?” I asked.
“F*** him! We had alotta horny Marines on that FOB 'n' only ONE Anna; don't forget, that hard-up bastard kidnapped her. Anyhow, when we got ta him, he was actin' crazy, cursin' his buddy up a blue streak. He blamed it all on his buddy; cuz, if he hadn't got Anna in the mail, this shit wouldn't o' happened ta him. So, he broke away from us 'n' ran over ta beat the shit outta him. The poor son-of-a-bitch was asleep in his bunk when this half-naked nut-case jumped on him screamin' 'n' punchin'. But, it worked out OK; they got EVACed together.”
“I could hardly believe the insensitivity of The Butter-Cutter toward a fellow Marine. Yet, I naively asked, “What happened to the doll . . . excuse me, Anna?”
“The officers took her 'n' said they were gonna get rid o' her; but, us Snuffies figured they were gonna gang-bang Anna. Ya see, we knew officers had 'needs' too. Anyhow, later we heard that they had a Circle-Jerk in the 'O' Club tent while droolin' over Camel Toes. Naturally, we figured they fixed-up Anna 'n' put her in the center o' their Circle ta turn themselves on. WRONG! Them dumb-shit officers had a real live camel in the center o' that Jerk session. They thought that whenever us Snuffies talked about Camel Toes, we meant . . . CAMEL TOES! Anyhow, the Circle-Jerk didn't go so well. Them officer-types, all whippin' their Willies 'n' starin' at real camel toes, weren't gettin' anywhere. So, they called it off; but the freakin' camel wouldn't leave. The camel driver said she had fallen in love with all them officers 'n' he wanted 'em ta buy her. They told him ta go f*** himself 'n' ta get that freakin' thing offa the FOB er they would shoot it. So, he pulled 'n' cursed 'n' got the thing outta there.” The Butter-Cutter related with uncharacteristic calm.
“That's bizarre!” I said shaking my head. “So, the camel left with her toes intact?” I asked with a wry smile.
“Well, yeah, but them freakin' camels are like elephants--they don't forget! That camel kept coming back ta that “O' Club tent lookin' fer them officers. Hell, they even tore the thing down 'n' she then looked fer 'em where they slept. Well, one night, she got inside the FOB 'n' found this stud lieutenant asleep in his bunk. Actually, one o' them officers told me they thought all along the freakin' camel had the hots fer him alone 'n' not the whole group. Anyhow, whatever the camel tried ta do, that lieutenant was so pissed, he flew outta the sack 'n' emptied his Berretta inta the camel. Ya would a guessed it, them shitty-ass 9mm bullets only pissed-off the camel 'n' she tried ta bite 'n' kick him. So, the lieutenant grabbed a SAW, 'n' usin' it like a club, he beat the thing ta death. After that, all the other officers got on his case real bad . . .” (3)
Interrupting, I asked, “Because he killed the camel?”
“HELL, NO! They blamed HIM fer the camel comin' back all the time 'n' screwin' up their sleep. After that, they called him, 'Ali The Camel Magnet.' "
I stood there for a few minutes staring at The Butter-Cutter as he busied himself handing out butter to Marines passing through the virtual Chow Line. Silently, I toyed with the idea of asking him if this story was true or not. Then I remembered that he said at its start, “This is no shit!”
Semper Sea Stories,
Anthony F. Milavic
Major USMC (Ret.)
(2) FOB: Forward Operating Base or Forward Operations Base
(3) SAW: Squad Automatic Weapon
m said: September 2, 2008said: September 2, 2008said: September 2, 2008said: September 2, 2008said: September 2, 2008said: September 2, 2008said: September 3, 2008said: September 3, 2008said: September 4, 2008said: September 4, 2008