!CAUTION!
YOU ARE IN A "VERBAL SHRAPNEL" RICH DOMAIN
2 September 2008
The Butter-Cutter On “Camel Toes”
I was leaning against the steam table drinking a cup of coffee with no specific topic in mind for The Butter-Cutter when I heard one of the Marines in the virtual Mess Hall use the term “Camel Toes.” So, I asked The Butter-Cutter, “What is that all about? 'Camel Toes?' “ (1)
“Camel Toes?” he repeated. “Oh, that's just a name we had back in Iraq 'n' Afghanistan fer a pussy?” he explained.
“I don't understand the relationship. What is the similarity between that part of a woman's anatomy and a camel's toes?” I persisted.
“Man, it's when a woman wears real tight pants, like spandex, her pussy shows through lookin' like a camel's toes. Over there, we didn't have alotta opportunities fer our 'needs,' so the troops named that picture, 'Camel Toes' ta have somethin' ta talk about. That's all,” he said. *
“Well, why not? Every generation comes up with their own words,” I said with strained curiosity.
“Ya wanna hear a story about it?” The Butter-Cutter asked.
“Yes. Please,” I answered.
“This is no shit! On this FOB in Afghanistan, there weren't alotta women 'n' the powers ta be worked real hard ta keep porn away from us. So, without good shit ta look at, life with Mother Palm 'n' her five daughters got old real fast. Then, one day, this guy got one o' them annatypically-correct blow-up dolls from one o' his buddies back home.” (2)
“No!” I interjected. The term is 'anatomically-correct' blow-up doll; that is to say, a doll that has all the female parts.”
“Oh, horseshit, I like 'annatypically' better; besides, we called her 'Anna' fer short. Now, if yer through screwin' with my words, I'll get on with the story. The first night this guy had her 'n' before they got together, his buddy kidnapped her. He took Anna outside the FOB perimeter 'n' jumped on her! Then, all hell broke loose! Ya see, he laid Anna down on a nest o' scorpions. So, when he put the meat ta her, he pressed Anna down on them scorpions 'n' they got all pissed-off. A bunch o' them stuck their stingers inta Anna goin' right through ta his cock 'n' balls. That mother f***er came up offa the deck like he was shot from a gun screamin' ta high heaven with Anna pinned ta his his cock 'n' balls. Man, they were face-ta-face with him wavin' his arms around 'n' makin' her arms ta wave around too: They looked like a half-naked man 'n' a full-naked woman beatin' the shit outta each other. Now, Anna stayed stuck ta his cock 'n' balls in an upright position as they ran 'n' stumbled back through the lines. It was the weirdest freakin' thing ya ever did see. When they got inside the perimeter, they fell down 'n' rolled around like they were f***in' 'n' fightin'. After a few rolls, Anna finally broke free. Poor ole Anna looked horrible layin' there exhausted, totally outta breath because o' all them scorpions stuck in her!”
'What! You lament over a blow-up doll; what about the Marine?” I asked.
“F*** him! We had alotta horny Marines on that FOB 'n' only ONE Anna; don't forget, that hard-up bastard kidnapped her. Anyhow, when we got ta him, he was actin' crazy, cursin' his buddy up a blue streak. He blamed it all on his buddy; cuz, if he hadn't got Anna in the mail, this shit wouldn't o' happened ta him. So, he broke away from us 'n' ran over ta beat the shit outta him. The poor son-of-a-bitch was asleep in his bunk when this half-naked nut-case jumped on him screamin' 'n' punchin'. But, it worked out OK; they got EVACed together.”
“I could hardly believe the insensitivity of The Butter-Cutter toward a fellow Marine. Yet, I naively asked, “What happened to the doll . . . excuse me, Anna?”
“The officers took her 'n' said they were gonna get rid o' her; but, us Snuffies figured they were gonna gang-bang Anna. Ya see, we knew officers had 'needs' too. Anyhow, later we heard that they had a Circle-Jerk in the 'O' Club tent while droolin' over Camel Toes. Naturally, we figured they fixed-up Anna 'n' put her in the center o' their Circle ta turn themselves on. WRONG! Them dumb-shit officers had a real live camel in the center o' that Jerk session. They thought that whenever us Snuffies talked about Camel Toes, we meant . . . CAMEL TOES! Anyhow, the Circle-Jerk didn't go so well. Them officer-types, all whippin' their Willies 'n' starin' at real camel toes, weren't gettin' anywhere. So, they called it off; but the freakin' camel wouldn't leave. The camel driver said she had fallen in love with all them officers 'n' he wanted 'em ta buy her. They told him ta go f*** himself 'n' ta get that freakin' thing offa the FOB er they would shoot it. So, he pulled 'n' cursed 'n' got the thing outta there.” The Butter-Cutter related with uncharacteristic calm.
“That's bizarre!” I said shaking my head. “So, the camel left with her toes intact?” I asked with a wry smile.
“Well, yeah, but them freakin' camels are like elephants--they don't forget! That camel kept coming back ta that “O' Club tent lookin' fer them officers. Hell, they even tore the thing down 'n' she then looked fer 'em where they slept. Well, one night, she got inside the FOB 'n' found this stud lieutenant asleep in his bunk. Actually, one o' them officers told me they thought all along the freakin' camel had the hots fer him alone 'n' not the whole group. Anyhow, whatever the camel tried ta do, that lieutenant was so pissed, he flew outta the sack 'n' emptied his Berretta inta the camel. Ya would a guessed it, them shitty-ass 9mm bullets only pissed-off the camel 'n' she tried ta bite 'n' kick him. So, the lieutenant grabbed a SAW, 'n' usin' it like a club, he beat the thing ta death. After that, all the other officers got on his case real bad . . .” (3)
Interrupting, I asked, “Because he killed the camel?”
“HELL, NO! They blamed HIM fer the camel comin' back all the time 'n' screwin' up their sleep. After that, they called him, 'Ali The Camel Magnet.' "
I stood there for a few minutes staring at The Butter-Cutter as he busied himself handing out butter to Marines passing through the virtual Chow Line. Silently, I toyed with the idea of asking him if this story was true or not. Then I remembered that he said at its start, “This is no shit!”
Semper Sea Stories,
Anthony F. Milavic
Major USMC (Ret.)
(2) FOB: Forward Operating Base or Forward Operations Base
(3) SAW: Squad Automatic Weapon
Waddaya think?
(40 Thinks)
m said: September 2, 2008Oscar
Waddaya mean "Sea Story?" I believe them ocifers did it.
said: September 2, 2008Mike
I think I've heard the term camel-toe for quite a while before OEF and OIF. And, yes the resemblance is incredible, lol.
said: September 2, 2008PatG
In long life of reading sea stories, this one is completely off the charts. Its so bizarre, it rings true because you could not invent it. Well, maybe Marines in the desert could dream it up but I doubt it. Hilarious.
said: September 2, 2008Dick G
Nuthin' stays in Vegas anymore... Now, back in the OLLLD Corps....
said: September 2, 2008Joe Fellows
This is the best Butter-Cutter yet--SUPER LOL!
said: September 2, 2008Terry Crews
I have known several Anna's. We had two in our bar hootch in DaNang. She even flew one day with the XO and joined the mile high club. Only problem is as you climb in altitude Anna gets bigger and the crew chief has to keep letting the air out of her. then when you come back down she has to blown back up. A lot of crew coordination. Nothing better than a well oiled H-34 crew.
said: September 3, 2008Afghan Vet
I suggest adding Annas to Afghanistan bound Care Packages.
said: September 3, 2008Maj. A.F. Milavic, USMC (Ret.)
Since posting the subject item at: www.thebutter-cutter.com, I have received several off-line response that The Butter-Cutter's language in this item is "over the top." In the preceding 21 installments of The Butter-Cutter, his language, in my judgment, has always been reflective of a Marine, who: (1) is very junior in rank; (2) is not happy with his current assignment; (3) has never heard of the Politically Correct; (4) has attitude; and, (5) is descriptive of the subject matter. I believe this 22nd installment is faithful to that tradition. I would very much APPRECIATE on-line responses to the above. Semper The Butter-Cutter,
said: September 4, 2008Jack Du Bois
Major I am a very unusual SgtMajor. I do not drink, smoke, swear, drink coffee or go to Church. Just the way I was brought up. I can hear my Marines saying all this now and I would laugh with them. But it is not something I would say or write. As long as I am started, I have to say that this is what is causing tons of trouble with our young people ltoday. Dirty language and sex is all they hear and read about. When I graduated from HS I stil did not know what it was all about till I joined the Corps. I, for one, am sorry the world is going in this direction. Sorry for the answers I gave, but you asked for them. Semper Fi Jack Du Bois
said: September 4, 2008Bruce L. Jones
Well now ... the world of the politically correct is so pervasive that few people now days realize they fall under it's sway. As for the B-C ditties, I always felt they were on the milder side as far as language goes. Extremely mild when compared to the way the real-life Marine Corps USED to be like. Having just this week been audience to a Marine Warrant Officer expressing himself to a Gunny ... I'd have to say the B-C language still seems mild, even for today.
