YOU ARE IN A "VERBAL SHRAPNEL" RICH DOMAIN
22 January 2013
THE BUTTER-CUTTER ON "ASSAULT WEAPONS"
With the country reeling in gun control talk, I decided to visit The Butter-Cutter for his opinion on the subject. As I neared the Chow Line in the Virtual Mess hall, he rang out, "No! We ain't promoted Chesty yet! But, it's comin'!"
"That is not the reason for my visit," I corrected him. "I came to ask how the rank and file were reacting to all the gun control talk."
"Man, I don't gotta do that 'troop 'n' stomp' shit. I'm on mess duty!" he responded.
OK! OK! I thought to myself. Keep it simple. "Since all those children were killed in Connecticut, there has been a renewed effort to ban Assault Weapons. I was wondering what the Marines coming through this Mess Hall think about that?"
"Ya bet yer ass. We gotta control them civilians that got Assault Weapons; they're gonna hurt people! Them weapons are only fer the military," he said.
I was surprised by The Butter-Cutter's response, "So, you think we should control civilian use of Assault Rifles?" I asked.
"Assault Rifles?" The Butter-Cutter reflected aloud, "I ain't talkin' 'bout no Assault Rifles! I'm talkin' 'bout them ASSAULT BOOBS!"
"Assault Boobs?" I said aloud in astonishment. "WHAT are Assault Boobs?"
"Assault TITS, HEADLIGHTS, HOOTERS . . . BOOBS, MAN, BOOBS! What's with ya? Ya forgot how ta talk MARINE?"
I was embarrassed, "I know Marine talk: I just never heard of Assault Boobs before! Where did you get that from?"
"From the freakin' papers! Some Ho up in Washington on the west coast killed her boyfriend with her boobs!" he answered.
"Whaaa?" I exclaimed.
"Yeah, no shit, she smothered the Dude with her boobs 'n' killed 'im! So, we gotta do somethin' ta protect. . . er at least warn all us full-grown boob-suckers! So, me 'n' the Dudes here in the Mess Hall say the government oughta make them Assault Boob-carrin' Hos put warning labels on 'em like they got on cigarette packages: 'THESE ASSAULT BOOBS COULD BE DANGEROUS TA YER FREAKIN' LIFE. ONLY USE WHEN YER ON TOP'!"
I stood there, mouth agape, silently staring at The Butter-Cutter.
"Man, now ya gotta ask yerself: How many other Hos gonna do copy-cat smotherin' jobs with their boobs? I tell ya: Give 'em an idea 'n' they gonna go a mile ta do it! WE NEED PROTECTION, MAN, WE NEED PROTECTION!" The Butter-Cutter proclaimed.
"Don't be ridiculous: Boobs don't kill people. People kill people!" I reminded him.
"Tell that ta the Dude in Washington! If that Ho didn't have them Assault Boobs, he'd be alive today!"
"Wait a minute! Are you saying that there are different kinds of boobs?"
"How come I gotta tell ya this shit? Some Hos don't even got boobs: All they got are snack-nipples! Them Assault Boobs be an all-day feast . . . humongous Assault Boobs!" he explained.
I vacillated between laughing and crying; but I decided to keep a straight face and go along with him for a little while longer. "I guess the next thing you are going to say is that women with large breast are too dangerous for the Armed Forces?" I asked.
"HELL NO! They're perfect fer the Armed Forces 'n' this war on terrorism!"
"How is that?" I asked.
"They could be used ta make-up Assault Boobs units. Each Assault Boober would be covered, head ta toe, with one o' them black outfits them female Hajjis wear. But this outfit's gonna have two holes in the front so's the Assault Boobs can stick out. Think of it: Them Talley-Banners been out in the middle o' nowhere fer months with nuthin' but dreams o' the 71-virgin reward in heaven, when outta the blue come boobs-a-bobbin' at a full gallop toward 'em! Whaddya think they gonna do?"
"Please tell me," I said as if I needed to ask.
"Why, they gonna be launched ta their feet by their activated pussy-deprived peckers--like bein' pole-vaulted up in the air."
"Oh, come on, aren't you exaggerating the strength of their . . . instruments a bit?" No sooner had the words left my lips did I realized that I should have let it go.
"Maan, if yer gonna keep interruptin' me, ya know where the door is!" The Butter-Cutter shot back.
"OK. Go on," I said.
"On top o' not havin' had any since. . . ferever, them Talley-Banners never seen what was inside them black stealth dresses before. So, them Assault Boobs out in the open 'n' bobbin' around is gonna make them suckers shout, 'Praise Allah! My reward is here!' 'n' then, they gonna charge at them Assault Boobs, throw a lip-lock on one of 'em, 'n' GOTCHA! He's on the ground suckin' 'n' GETTIN' NO WIND--Scratch one Talley-Banner smothered by Assault Boobs!"
"So you are for Assault Weapons?" I asked.
"Maaan, I'm fer Assault Boobs fer Assault Boobs units in the military. I ain't fer them Assualt Boobs out in the street like I said before! NOW, D'YA GOT IT FORMER INTELLIGENCE OFFICER?"
That was enough. I rapidly left the Virtual Mess Hall without responding as The Butter-Cutter shouted after me: "Ban Assault Boobs! Assault Boobs kill boob-suckers!"
Semper . . . sigh,
Anthony F. Milavic
Major USMC (Ret.)
Post "Thinks" To: MAJUSMCRET@AOL.COM
Gee where did Ya get that line?
Now this is a bit different for the old Butter-Cutter.
Col Walt Ford, USMC (Ret)
Publisher/Editor, Leatherneck Magazine
The Butter-Cutter has broad interests.
Keeper of The Butter-Cutter
After that depressing display yesterday [21 Jan], I needed this butter cutter today.
This sounds to me like a real threat. Give my thanks to the butter cutter for the alert.
Great one! I thought the same thing when I read that story in the papers here. Can I also say it's nice to see a reference to free language for a change (I dare not use the term "free speech" as we all know that's been dead for awhile) ... you know, the sort of language we all used to speak without fear of administrative reprisals for using an "assault tongue" to inflict imaginary emotional damage/distress on someone's tender ear drums.
I could also add that we should consider banning the just as dangerous "assault vagina" as well. I was almost done in by one such instrument of terror once when a nice young lady I was keeping company with mistook my wild thrashing about for being lost in enthusiastic, passionate abandon when it was, in fact, only my attempts to keep breathing. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
Bruce L. Jones
The Mojave Desert - The Geographic Center of Nowhere
Bruce Jones should have had the benefit of my daddy's advice --- "Never go to to bed with a woman you can't get off of you."
Sage Wisdom: Control your sexual desires. If you can't, never go to bed with a woman who doesn't have as much or more to lose than you do .
The butter cutter is obviously a satirical device chosen to give humor to a real-life issue. What is forgotten by many readers is that the humor comes from mirroring that reality.
Thank you for the respite from and reminder of this very serious issue.